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- Don’t put a self-destruct button in your base, it’s only asking for trouble. Ever notice that any idiot who tries to blow everyone to hell always fails. There is no need to blow everything up. If you’re that paranoid and you absolutely must have a self-destruct, make it instantaneous. Why would you have a 5 minute countdown for a bomb?? If you need to blow it all to hell, make it quick: have a button that instantly triggers a nuclear bomb. No pussy explosions. That way, even if the hero somehow miraculously survives (WHICH HE WON’T), he’ll die of radiation poisoning eventually.
- Don’t build a seaside base. You’re only asking to have a 3-way attack on you- air, land, and sea. Build your evil fortress deep underground, preferably under a mountain. This way, only a direct attack on your front door is possible, minimizing the threat.
- Make your base impregnable. Have one way in, one way out, and one trash chute. The trash chute is optional but if you really must have one make sure if leads directly to an industrial shredder, you know the ones used in a breakers yard. Just make sure it’s permanently running and has a self contained power source with NO off switch of any form.
- Never tell anyone your complete plan. No one needs to know all the details except you. Make sure information is on a need to know basis. This prevents leaks in the system.
- Forget the trash compactor. Every time a hero stumbles into a trash compactor, there’s always enough time to get out. As mentioned above, use a car body shredder and for added spice, make sure the edges are rounded so there is nothing to grip on to & ensure everything is greased daily, including the walls. You may lose a few minions during the process but they’re expendable right.
- Set an example. If you ignore tip #4 and a leak gets out, show no mercy. Show each and every member of your organization the death of whoever is responsible for the leak. Throw him in the shredder.
- Kill on sight. Don’t waste time with an elaborate torture machine. Shoot heroes in the head. Not the chest, the head. Even heroes wear body armour. Wait until you see his brain splattered everywhere then dump his body in the shredder so that future heroes can’t find his gizmos.
- Right before you kill, DO NOT reveal your secret plan to the hero. Even if he dies, chances are he’s wearing a transmitter. This compulsive need to let someone know the plan has brought down many a super villain.
- Think big yet simple. Instead of some dumb ass intricate plan to seize the world’s largest cubic zirconia to fuel a laser to melt the polar ice caps and lower beach side property value, thus making it easier for you to buy the entire nation of Kerplunkenstein, make it more realistic. Carpet-bomb Europe. All of Europe. Then demand the surrender of the human race. See? Simple, yet effective. Matter over mind.
- Don’t hire specialized goons. Oddjob, Jaws, Mayday, Xenia Onatopp, Pussy Galore… every one of those either died or betrayed the villain. Specialized goons are overrated.
- If you must have a centralized control room in your evil base, DO NOT have large air ducts leading to it, especially ones big enough for a hero-sized creature to crawl through. In fact, don’t have them anywhere in your base. Heroes like to crawl around in the ventilation system.
- Stockpile Kryptonite. Superman could drop by at any time. In fact, give every bullet a Kryptonite tip. Line the walls with it.
- Don’t underestimate a strike force of only four people. As a heroic rule, the fewer people there are, the better chance they stand. I can’t explain this. When four women invade your lair, be as ruthless as you would if four thousand men did.
